Never knew it would be me.
Growing up I was always known to be such a joyful person. People could always find me with a smile on my face. In terms of relationships, I purposely waited throughout high school until I felt I was ready in my early twenties to begin my first relationship.
My first relationship.
I did not know what to expect or how anything worked. He told me would lead me, teach me how it's done and take care of me. For a short moment, I felt so treasured and loved. Everything felt so intentional and he seemed so mature for his age. When things began to fall apart, he told me he could only depend on me and that only I could help him. I felt so obligated like I was the only person he could count on. He was financially dependent on me. I didn’t have enough money for my own personal needs and responsibilities. There were no physical boundaries in our relationship. If I ever wanted my own alone time, he would consistently interfere and would not respect my own personal space and I was never left alone. Whenever I felt like I needed to leave, he would threaten me that he would take his own life. He told me that even if we had broken up, I could never date anyone else in the future. I felt chained down to him forever.
Chains broken.
With the help and support of my family and concerned church friends, they were able to help intervene and slowly pull me out. They had reminded me of my self-worth, exposed the lies from the mental/spiritual abuse, and brought my attention to my true identity in Jesus. They took the time to hear my story, helped me identify that these types of behaviors and actions were unacceptable, and have quickly advised me to cut off this relationship for good. I was so terrified to open my mouth because of the consistent warnings/threats from my ex-partner, but I would never expect that exposing this relationship and taking this leap of faith was the greatest decision ever. The chains were cut loose.
Choosing to love again.
In the beginning, it was difficult for me to trust men in general. During my healing stage, I have walked with a counselor for a year and chose to remain single for an additional three more years until I knew was ready to enter another romantic relationship. I was still trying to redefine what a healthy relationship looks like, what’s considered “normal” and to reinforce in my heart that I am not obligated to stay in a dating relationship if I don’t want to. To this day, I’m in a new healthy relationship, and yet I still find myself navigating trigger points. But this walk is now different because whenever I’m uncomfortable, I’m not afraid to speak my mind and to communicate with him upfront about my pains and the boundaries I need to see. We are transparent towards each other so he understands the triggers in my mind and how to be more gentle towards them. There is mutual respect on an emotional, spiritual and physical level.
There is a way out.
You are not alone. Whether you feel like you are not able to speak up and are chained down just like how I felt I the past, there IS hope and there IS a way out. I would encourage you to speak out to a church leader, mentor, or friend you can really trust. Remember it is OKAY to leave a relationship, it is possible to heal from your pain and trauma, and be mindful to take your time to heal before entering a new relationship.
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