I had been struggling to put this blog post together for a few days now. I had some words written down but it wasn't flowing and my motivation to work on it was low. God, in His mercy, sent a sister who sent me her testimony and it turned out to be a similar topic to what I've been trying to share. I decided to merge our testimonies in hopes it would encourage you!
My Convictions
Just a few weeks ago, I had been convicted of my thought-life in how I let my mind wander to many places. This revealed my distrust in God in wanting to control things the way I desired them to. After years of letting my mind run free, I had truly felt captive by my thoughts and this needed to change. Practically, I needed to exercise self control in my thoughts and actions.
I didn't realize how much of a stronghold my thought-life had on me. I remember starting to fantisize the idea of having a boyfriend or husband at a very early age. I think I was around 7 years old, and typing this up now I can't believe the young age to which this started in my life. I realized it's not that hard to be thinking this way when I was exposed to various movies on TV including Disney Priincesses who had perfect princes. So from a young age, I started to imagine what the perfect partner would be. What he would look like, how he would treat me, and the fun activities we would do together. Of course this looks different as I grew older, but the idea was that I always had expectations too far for any human to reach.
Now that I've been single for a few years, I've come to realize how my fantasy life, involving various men I've developed an interest in, has significantly impacted the way I view my friends and the guys I'm merely getting to know. For example, when I'm allowing my thoughts to think about a guy I have an interest in showering me with gifts and affection it becomes quite uncomfortable when I see them in real life and recognize that all those things only happened in my head. I don't want to have these high and unattainable standards for my future partner. It would only lead to disappointment and frustration for the both of us.
Now that I know this, I must actively fight against it. I can't deceive myself into thinking that it will one day change or go away all on its own. Fighting this can look like actively choosing to snap out of it, knowing and trusting that what the Lord has is good and better. The Lord is humbling me and reminding me that I am not God and that I am not in control. I can't just think things into reality, but I must submit to my King. I must know that He knows better. I must trust and live in the present, knowing that this is what is good for me now because this is what my Lord has given.
It is wrong for me to believe that I could think up something better for my life. I don't need to waste any more time dwelling on what could be or what I think should be, rather I should fix my eyes on the sovereignty of the Lord knowing that he knows better. He knows better. Father, help me to trust that the Lord. Knows. Better.
A sister's testimony on a similar topic:
When my accountability leader shared about her thought-life and daydreaming, I realized that I do the same. I just never had the language to describe it. I would say I probably daydream everyday. When getting ready, eating meals, commuting, between studying and class as a student then and sometimes at work now, while exercising, when I'm bored, sometimes even during sermons on Sunday…
I didn't even realize it was an issue. When I reflect on what I daydream about, it reveals that I don't believe that God is good enough and that if I were God and in control, I would change this and that in my life. In a sense I am accusing God that I would be a better God than He is. In my daydreams, I am always well thought of and loved, which reflects how much I care about what others think of me (fear of man), my desire for approval, the idols I have made of my reputation/career, relationships, and image. I am thankful that God has revealed how this past time is not innocent and have been encouraged by passages such as Philippians 4:8-9: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” I have also been convicted of not stewarding the gift of time, energy and my mind well, and desire accountability to do so.
With regards to lustful thoughts and self-pleasuring, I didn't realize it was a struggle until I was in my twenties. And then because it felt habitual and cyclical, I just came to terms with the fact that I was going to struggle my whole life and then die and never tell a soul. In part, with putting in safe guards and trying my best not to succumb to temptation and actively flee from temptation, I had so much shame that it was STILL a struggle. Especially after seasons when it was not on my mind at all. I am encouraged that Jesus can sympathize as the author of Hebrews writes that "because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted" and that sexual temptation can be resisted by the power of the Spirit that dwells in me.
(Eph 1:18-20 and Romans 8:11: the power that strengthened Christ to rise and conquer death is the same power that works in me)
With sexual sin, I had confessed to God years after it occurred and as time went on I thought I didn't carry any shame about it anymore. But recently, I found out that someone I used to date that I hoped I would eventually marry, is in a relationship with someone else, so the reality I guess of: oh, you're actually going to date someone else and actually have to share about your previous sexual sin with them dawned on me. And the shame I thought I had dealt with crept up on me. This thought overwhelmed me. It is helpful, hopeful and humbling for me to share with you that there was sexual sin I had committed in the past and have confessed and repented of and yet there is still this need to bring it to light so it is no longer a stronghold.
This was difficult to share but I know that it is good for my soul and I hope that God will continue to work in us as we are each being transformed into his image from one degree of glory to another (even though it can feel incredibly painful and incredibly slow at times).
Final Encouragement
There were three practical suggestions to help me in my thought-life that sometimes led to sexual temptation. The first one was to imagine that I am on a train and when these thoughts come, it's okay to acknowledge that they are there but to remember that the train in moving and so I can move forward letting the thought pass like a scene from the window. Another suggestion that has helped is to physically get up and switch up what I'm doing to bring my mind to think about something else. And finally, the suggestion that has helped me the most has been to practice Scripture memorization. I know this one doesn't excite a whole lot of people but at least attempting to memorize parts of Scripture has really helped me to focus on God's Word and truth in it. Whenever I feel like thinking about something I shouldn't be, I can recite the parts I've memorized in my head and it orients my mind on Jesus.
Until the day that we are face-to-face with our Father in Heaven, let us set our minds on the things above and not the things below. Though this may be difficult, the Spirit helps us when we ask. There is hope in Jesus.
"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immortality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." Colossians 3:2-5.
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