I recently asked one of my brothers in Christ to do a Q&A that may be helpful to some people who are still struggling to understand why victims stay in abusive relationships. To protect his identity, I will be referring to him as Cole.
This brother has been relearning the topic of abusive relationships throughout the years.
He’s been a friend before, during, and after the time I was in an abusive dating relationship and has shared his thoughts, but more so his questions - which I’ve appreciated. Although this brother's perspective of abuse was very much formed by his culture (having some forms of abuse, like verbal and emotional abuse as cultural norms and deemed acceptable), I’m thankful for his willingness to grow and learn about this topic.
We conducted this interview via video call where I typed out his responses, hence the unfiltered dialogue.
1. To help readers understand where you’re coming from, what does your faith in God look like today?
Before becoming more serious in the faith, I was just going to church on a weekly basis and to celebrate different holidays and traditions. As I grew older, I started to attend small groups and this was where I learned that Christianity is more of a relationship with God rather than entering and exiting a building we call church.
My faith is strengthened when I look back in my life and notice that there have been times when God has helped me. For example, I felt led by God through my time in university, like how he gave me an internship in just the right time.
From the small group I was a part of, I learned of how good God is and how in general, when you have a community and are struggling, you could open up and God will heal you through the experiences. Like in retreats, you can see how God works in you. In the weeks when I do something bad, I am reminded of how God wants to shape my life and this is something I can share with my small group.
2. What do you believe God says about abuse?
God sees it as a sin. I don’t think God is ever okay with abuse in any way or circumstance. Just the act of even hitting someone and reacting out of control that hurts someone in some way is already a sin.
3. Before I entered this abusive relationship, what were the differences in my behaviour that you observed, compared to when I was in the abusive relationship?
I think before you were more cheerful and more willing to hang out with us. You would say "hi" out of nowhere, like through text. You would hang out with our circle but when you started getting into the relationship, we noticed that you were more exclusive. You didn’t spend time with your friends. Whenever we asked you to go out, you would say no. You really put him as your priority and from my memory, I don’t think you even went to church anymore. You just… yeah, you didn’t hang out with us anymore.
4. I know there were times when I was in the relationship where you really questioned the things that Tony and I were doing. Going back to our past conversations, I remember texting you these messages as a call for help without being so obvious about it. For example, in one of our conversations, I told you that we had broken up, but that we were still figuring things out because we loved each other. I know you showed a bit of frustration and confusion towards me to have been talking about my relationship with Tony like that, were there any other thoughts that you had?
I really thought that was so stupid and that you were so stubborn. It was so obvious how damaging that relationship was. I didn’t know the details of what he did to you at that time, but even then, it was just so frustrating that you would still be attached to him in some way. I just didn’t get it! Why would you say you still love him when you guys broke up? *long pause and heavy sighing* You were so stubborn. I just couldn’t understand, Becca...
5. How did you perceive those in abusive relationships before knowing my story?
I saw abuse as actions, like hitting. I never perceived scolding as abusive. But after reading your book, I see how even yelling can be abusive. I only thought that physical stuff was abuse.
A response to this answer: Cole, now that you mentioned that, I remember when I did end up telling you that the relationship was abusive and you asked me if he ever hit me. At the time, I didn’t accept hair pulling, shoving, grabbing my arm, and the likes, as physical abuse so I said "no." You said that that was good, but I felt unheard. I felt that you would only care or see this as a wrong thing only if he did hit me, but now I understand that your understanding of abuse was only if it was physical. I’m glad that you’re able to see how abuse is not only marks on the body, but can also be the unseen marks on the spirit and soul.
6. Are there any concepts about abusive relationships that you’re still struggling to understand or don’t agree on?
The only thing that’s hard for me to understand is why someone would stay. I understand your view of trying to stay being linked to your faith. Using your love for Jesus, Tony manipulated you to think that you should stay because he said that Jesus wouldn’t leave him. I get that, but it’s still hard for me to understand why else people would stay. If I had someone in my life, like just like a friend, call me names all the time I wouldn't want to be near them.
I don't understand why you would still love him, at that time you told me you two broke up and you were scared to meet him but you kept saying you missed him. Maybe because I’m not as Jesus-like it’s hard for me to understand why you would stay in that situation.
*long pause*
Ok, I don’t mean to be judgmental, can I just tell you the truth? Don’t take it personally and don’t write this (I wrote this after encouraging him to include this part and him having agreed) but I think you were just prideful and you didn't want to leave him because you were afraid that everyone else would think that you had failed in this relationship. Even before I met Tony, you told me you wanted to marry him and maybe that’s why you didn't want to leave. Maybe it was your pride that kept you in the relationship because you wanted it to work out.
A response to this answer: I think you’re right, Cole. And thank you for being bold enough to tell me that. I believe my pride was a small part in all the pieces that kept me in this relationship. It was even my pride that kept me from going back to him. At the end of this, I remember telling my counsellor that I wouldn’t go back to my abuser since I had been telling people the truth of how he treated me. I feared people judging my decision to go back to him now that they knew the truth. My pride helped me that time, but you’re right, it didn’t help me in the beginning of the relationship.
7. What were your thoughts while you were reading ‘But He Said He is a Christian’? I know you had to take multiple breaks to get away from it for some time and calm down, can you share a bit about that?
Um…. it was just, ugh. It was just upsetting that you went through all of that and frustrating how it went back and forth so many times. I wish that you would have said something to us. I noticed that you acted differently, but I didn’t know it was that bad.
8. Do you feel better prepared to emphasize or help one who is in an abusive relationship? Especially as a brother, how do you think you could appropriately help a sister?
I think your story helped me to better relate to the victims situation. But to talk them out of the relationship I think that they wouldn’t listen to me, so they should probably open up to a counsellor or pastor. If I knew they were in an abusive relationship, I would talk to our pastors about it so they can see what's going on.
Cole, thank you so much for your honesty in our friendship. There are times when I get frustrated at your response to things, but your willingness to listen and learn more allows me to step back and be thankful for that too.
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Readers, if you could at all relate to the past or current mindset of Cole’s response to abusive relationships, I hope you would be encouraged also to keep an open mind to better love those who are or have experienced an abusive relationship. There are many ideas that culture and the media throw out there that are far from the truth. We could do better!
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