Before having been in any dating relationship, I remember the pure joy and freedom I felt in my singleness. Yes, freedom. Freedom not from another person, but freedom from discouragement, sadness, and loneliness. I was so happy that God had allowed me to feel very ok with being single and lavished me with daily joy in knowing him.
Discontentment in singleness eventually returned a few years after having been in two failed dating relationships. I had a longing to cultivate a deep friendship with a man romantically but I wasn’t willing to do that with anyone (though tempted to!).
I tried going on dates with different guys but again and again they led nowhere.
I grew tired but determined to find a partner. Because of this, I felt like I forced myself to continue talking with many of them because I just wanted something to work. There were a few men who weren’t mature in their faith that I was even tempted to continue getting to know but that could be a whole other blog post.
Oftentimes, it felt like I was pushing against a wall with dating. I knew I wasn’t going to enter a dating relationship with just anyone but if I’m being honest, there were guys that I talked to and gave 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances to that I shouldn’t have.
I kept thinking to myself:
“Maybe it’ll work.”
“Maybe he’s like that now, but when we get more comfortable, it’ll be different.”
“Maybe it’s okay that he’s not passionate about the gospel.”
“Maybe I’m too picky.”
“Maybe it doesn’t get better than this.”
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
My pleads with God looked something like:
“I’m so tired, please make this one THE one.”
“Please help him to communicate with clarity and direction as we get to know each other.”
“If this isn’t the person for me, please make it clear to me now.”
Just like a young child who’s allergic to nuts may not understand why their parents won’t allow them to eat Nutella. Likewise, we won’t always understand why God doesn’t answer our prayers in the way we want but what we can trust in is that God is a good Father who loves and cares for his children and that truth is enough for me.
Oh, how I thank God that he did not make it work with any of the guys I’ve talked to in the past. Some of them were great - kind and mature Christians, but I shouldn’t ever feel like I have to force myself to be with someone.
I shared this in my Instagram story in the past but it’s easily my favourite Puritan prayer so far. It’s found in The Valley of Vision and this is what part of it says:
Let not the passions of the flesh nor lustings
of the mind bring my spirit into subjection,
but do thou rule over me in liberty and power.
I thank thee that many of my prayers have been refused -
I have asked amiss and do not have,
I have prayed from lusts and been rejected,
I have longed for Egypt and been given a wilderness.
Go on with thy patient work,
answering ‘no’ to my wrongful prayers,
and fitting me to accept it.
Purge me from every false desire,
every base aspiration,
everything contrary to thy rule.
I thank thee for thy wisdom and thy love,
for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject,
for sometimes putting me into the furnace
to refine my gold and remove my dross.
The Valley of Vision
‘Confession and Petition’ p. 138-139
Reading this puritan prayer at such a time of discontentment really convicted me and brought me great comfort. I had been asking God for things to work that weren’t for my good. Everytime God didn’t make a relationship work, I didn’t thank him or see him working for my good. Now that I read this, I can rejoice, alongside grieving the loss of what could have been with the person, knowing that God is for my good. If he gives us what we ask, it’s for our good. If he does not give us what we ask, it is also for our good! I can thank God for knowing this.
Another helpful passage to encourage me in this specific area comes from Psalm 84:11. It says, “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly” and Romans 8:28 that says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who called according to his purposes.” There are many other passages in the bible that I could include but these two make it clear that God wouldn’t give us something that isn’t good for us and we need to trust him.
This means that my singleness, though it doesn’t feel like it - is a good thing. I appreciate the sentiment when people say that I will find my partner one day, but the truth is that I will never know if that will happen until it does. That isn’t me trying to be negative about the situation, but I’m just trying to trust and believe that if God doesn’t give me something it must be for my good because he wouldn’t withhold good from me.
If I’m being honest, the thought that God has singleness for my life scares me. I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life. However, a scarier thought would be to act in my own ways - if I were to pursue a relationship with someone who’s unequally yoked or force myself to be with someone I didn’t want to be with. That simply would not be pleasing to God.
Trusting God while feeling discontent is not easy but it gets easier with reminders of who our Heavenly Father is. In Exodus 34:6-7a God describes himself as a, “...compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin…” Single or not, may we remind ourselves and one another of the true character of God so that we may be comforted in trusting in him!
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