*The names in this story have been changed to protect those identities*
I started dating again after having been in an abusive relationship and it’s been a rollercoaster! There was one guy that left quite an impression on me and if I’m being honest, I wish things would have worked out between us if it wasn’t for our differing convictions on faith.
We chatted for 3-4 months, intentionally getting to know one another. I really liked him! He was kind and gentle-hearted, he enjoyed reading, had a great deal of empathy towards people and the environment and just made me feel heard and safe. We had many discussions about the faith but it was clear that our convictions didn’t align.
Knowing that we didn’t see eye-to-eye on core Christian foundations, I knew we couldn’t move forward. But week-after-week, we continued talking as I hoped things would change or that we would be able to make things work. I kept trying to fool myself until I couldn’t any longer.
We arranged to meet so I could tell him my 2 deal breakers just in case we were able to fix our differences. He wasn’t able to pass the second one and openly admitted to it. As soon as I heard his confession, I immediately felt hurt and disappointed that things wouldn’t work out and went on defence mode.
I told him that we shouldn’t continue talking and that was that.
Days, weeks, and months passed and I went through the different stages of a break-up.
First off, we weren’t officially in a dating relationship but because of the intimacy we built in our intentionality of getting to know one another and just because of how much I adored him - this break-up was difficult.
I felt angry at him for not being the person I wanted him to be. Why couldn’t he just share the same convictions as me? Why couldn’t he be more like this, or more like that? This wasn’t fair to him.
I felt confused why God would allow us to get to know each other for that time if He knew things weren’t going to work out in the end. Didn’t God know how fragile my heart was? Didn’t God want to protect me from this pain? This wasn’t fair to God.
I missed him a lot the next weeks and even months and felt guilty for it. I wanted to be with someone who would have led me to compromise on my beliefs. That wasn’t fair to me.
For months, I had been caught up in my hurt and how I was feeling and I didn’t get to step back and see what he may be experiencing. I’m not saying that we’re fully responsible for how people feel, but this was my brother in Christ and if I did any wrong to him, I wanted to know and have the chance to apologize.
By God’s grace, He did end up revealing ways that I could have better approached the situation and after a whole year passed by I felt ready to reach out again.
I wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t reaching out because of romantic interest but that I had wanted to share my processed thoughts and apologize for ways that I potentially harmed him.
Here’s the email I ended up sending him:
Dear Robert,
I have no idea what headspace you're in, so I do hope this email will be as light and sensitive as possible while also conveying the heavy thoughts that I wanted to share with you. I do apologize if for whatever reason this email is coming to you at the worst possible time but I do hope this helps you or encourages you in some way.
My intentions are to communicate some parts of what I've been processing and how I want to ask for your forgiveness in the ways I've wronged you. My hope is that we could have more peace and possibly a friendship where we would both be comfortable reaching out to one another if anything - instead of this space where you probably feel like you're not allowed to even send me a message because of what I've said...
One of the things that bothered me about the way I went about things was how I basically ripped off the bandaid in having cut off our communication because I selfishly felt that that was what I needed. I didn't consider your feelings as much as I did mine and I'm so sorry. I should have asked you more questions to see where you were coming from. I should have listened and taken the time instead of choosing to cut off communication from you as soon as I saw our differences.
Though our time of getting to know one another wasn't too long it was a huge blessing to me in so many ways. I thank God for how you showed me kindness in being non-judgemental (something I feel I'm the opposite of). Talking with you made me feel heard and most importantly safe. Thank you for that - for being you.
I really want to emphasize that I recognize how the things I said and the ways I've said them, especially regarding the faith, may have led you to question your salvation and I really hope I'm wrong here but if that was ever the case because of how harsh I was, I want to apologize and affirm that I did see you actively pursuing the truth and the fruits of the Spirit being in you.
I have been praying for you whenever you crossed my mind - praying for comfort and assurance from our Heavenly Father and a peace that surpasses understanding in knowing what Jesus has done for us on that cross. Really do hope you're doing well.
I hope you can accept my apologies as I recognize how much preventable hurt I may have caused you. You're welcome to share anything you want or to not reply at all!
Your Sister in Christ,
Becca
He responded graciously, telling me there was no need to apologize and that he wanted to respect the boundaries that I had. We exchanged a few emails after, sharing some life updates but that was that.
I had doubts about sending this email before I did. I wondered if it would be helpful to the both of us. I wondered if it would be creating more confusion or if it was just unnecessary. I wondered if a year was too long to reach out again. I even wondered if he remembered me and if our interaction meant anything significant to him.
It’s so much easier to just move on.
I wondered why I couldn’t be like the other people who seem to not care or talk about their past relationship. “Just move on and get over it!” says the world. Truly this would have been my preference and so much so of what my flesh desires.
I don’t want to process thoughts. I don’t want to process feelings and go back to all of those memories because it’s not comfortable, it’s not fun.
But God gives us much grace. In processing, I’ve been able to learn more about myself and how the past affects the ways I went about my time of getting to know this guy. If I hadn’t taken the time to process what I did, I think I would still hold grudges against him. I would still be confused at God’s plan and intentions for me and I might even continue in my patterns of thinking it’s okay to settle in dating relationships.
It may have taken me a while to process, but I’m thankful to have sent that email. Thankful to know that we’re both in a good place and wanting the best for each other. Most of all, I’m thankful that the Spirit of God guides me in my convictions to love others well for his glory - may He help us all be more like him, gracious, loving, and forgiving.
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