*The following is an edited transcript of a voice interview I had with a Sister in the Summer of 2021. How my abuser pulled me in.
It started with regularly complimenting me and then turned to flirting. He was interested in me and I caught feelings for him slowly, but after a few months, he said he wasn’t interested anymore. He said I wasn’t someone that his friends think was cool enough for him to date. So I pursued him all the more because he made me feel visible and there was no one else in my life at that time that made me feel that way.
What abuse looked like in the relationship.
The abuse did not start right away, but was often angry. I always compromised because I wanted to keep the peace in the relationship and didn’t like conflict. Approximately 1-2 years after, his anger outburst that once started in private, starting happening in public spaces.
There was constant emotional manipulation and abuse throughout the relationship. There was verbal abuse whenever he had anger outbursts and the anger outbursts became more frequent. Gradually, any small disagreement would escalate and he started breaking things in his room, holding me hostage and threatening to kill me if I tried to escape. He also threatened people if they stared at us during his outbursts in public. He would also hurt himself and blame it all on me. But he would apologize profusely after and did acts of kindness.
Lot of the nights, he called and threatened that he would commit suicide if I wasn’t there for him or whenever I tried to leave him.
How I left the relationship.
I went to summer camp where I was saved as a Christian. I met a friend who was able to speak into my life about my relationship and how toxic it was. I approached one of the coordinators at the camp and shared my story. She was able to provide the support, guidance and wisdom I needed. Together, with the support of my friend and the mentor, I was able to leave the relationship.
What the healing process looked like.
The healing process started right after I left the relationship. The first few months were very scary and very unpredictable. I needed a lot of support from my friends and close guidance from my mentor. They helped me to pursue Christ. I buried myself in Scripture. I learned a lot about how unhealthy my relationship was from my Christian community. I attended a lot of bible studies and worship sessions. I shared my story with a few trusting friends. They were inspired and encouraged me in my healing process. I slowly saw how God was working and talking to me through the people I was talking to and through the Scriptures. I would say I’m still healing but it looks much different than the beginning. I am in a place where I’m mentally strong to share my story.
How I am able to trust men again.
Throughout the healing process, I formed a good community of Christian friends. I observed how my male friends treated women. They were respectful, loving and were servant hearted regardless of their age, culture, background, education, etc. They also pursued Christ passionately. They were very loving in their words and actions when interacting with me. They gained my trust and role modelling set a standard for me in society.
Encouragement for survivors.
I want to say that identifying that you are in an abusive relationship is THE biggest step. That was eye opening for me. Then I would strongly encourage them to surround themselves with a Christian community. I would say pray, open yourself up, and share your story with a trusted friend or an elder that will be able to help you. Then bury yourself in Scripture, research what the Bible actually says about relationships and marriage. There is so much misinformation when you skip this step. Then put all of your trust in Christ and leave the relationship. If you are waiting for the right time, this is it. There is so much hope. There are so many good people. There are many Christian men that will accept you and make amazing husbands. This abusive person is not the only one for you. You cannot change a person. There are no reasons in this entire world that you can say to justify being in an abusive relationship. My biggest fear was that he would commit suicide and it would be my fault. And he tried but that’s not my fault. It was his decision. Christ didn’t die on the cross to set you free so you can be in bondage. Christ is greater than all of your fears. There is so much freedom in Christ. All you need to do is put your faith in him. All of it.
*& for anyone curious about the title, you can refer to the book But He Said He is a Christian - she is that sister who was on the bridge with me that Spring :)
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